Idiots Of The Universe

There are many ways one could define an idiot. Technically it is someone who has a low IQ and has some form of mental issue, I think. In modern society it has come to mean someone who does/says ridiculous things, or a person that you have a particular reason to dislike. Well, in my year at school there are many people that fit all of the above description and more, but mostly the last, because they are, in fact, humongous Richard Craniums (you can work it out, people).

There are three people in my year, we shall call the Bella, Monica and Lucas, for the sake of anonymity (sort of...they are relatively similar to their real names...) that I cannot stand for another minute. And I am going to take it out on you, very few readers of my blog, and moan about them on here. You don't have to read it. I recommend you stop now.

So, I'll start with Bella. Today, she randomly decided to start having a go at me in Chemistry, and I don't have a clue why. And this isn't just a "She said a mean thing, Mummy!". She does it All. The. Time. Seriously, every other lesson she will say something to embarrass me or antagonize me or provoke me, and stupidly I normally have to retort, but I don't think that staying quiet would be a better idea either. Also, Bella is quite intelligent, yet pretends to be stupid, and that annoys me as well. Not the pretending, the stupidity. She acts so thick and she isn't, teachers have to repeat themselves like eighty times for her, which is just annoying for the rest of the class. And also, she is a total slag and a bit of a narcissist, and she isn't even that pretty. That's not really a problem, I just don't like slags. Anyway yeah, she is just so frustrating and I want to hit her so much...

Right, before I go insane and kill Bella, I'll move on! Monica is a girl in my year who does the same thing as Bella- constantly poking comments at me and provoking me. She isn't slaggy, nor does she pretend to be stupid, so we're all good on those fronts. She just doesn't stop, and it's even worse than Bella, and she has even reduced me to tears a couple of times. I normally pretend like I don't care, but I really do. She usually apologizes, but it doesn't go away that easily. It's really horrible, and all the time. Everyone else in my class is really nice about it and tells me not to listen and that she is just a disgusting person, and they all say everyone prefers me to her anyway, but I don't see them standing up to her. Although, she's like that too so many people. My friend, we shall call him Conrad, got an earful from her about being ginger, so I had a go at her, and at least she's leaving him alone now, but she also teases my other friend who we shall call Mindy, and is seriously horrible to her, and says the off thing to other people too. I can just about deal with her being mean to me, but it's when she starts going at my friends that I get really angry.

Lastly, Lucas(I think I called him that?). He is just am idiot...He told me to go die once, and that just did it for me. I can't stand him, he is a foul human being, who should go die himself, although I'm not harsh enough to actually say that to him.

Basically, if you have a problem with me, come tell me. If I care about you I'll sort it out, if not, then you can leave me alone. I don't care if people don't like me, that's their business and they probably have valid reasons, I just wish they'd be civil. RAWR. I reallllllllyyyyyyy hate people.

Tea

I love tea...I have noticed I've been drinking waaayyyy too much lately. Even the dentist has said I need to stop drinking so much because it's staining my teeth (no, they aren't grim or yellow but they may end up that way) but it's so yummy. I think I may be a bit addicted because I don't think I'm ever without a cup of tea. Even at the fireworks the other night...

But, I can't stand coffee, the smell makes me feel sick...hmmmm interesting. Most people like both....hehehehe bisexual people. Wait, I'm not homophobic, I just find bi people funny because someone once said to me 'No one is ever bi, they are either gay and too scared to come out or straight and looking for a bit more action.' The whole 'liking both' sparked me off on that train of thought.

I love my brain sometimes, it has the most random ideas which always make me laugh so much...I think I have digressed a little bit so I'm going to go now. Bye :)

Haven't Posted In A While

I've just realized that I haven't posted on here in ages, so I thought I would. Not a lot has happened in my life lately, so I don't really know what to write about.

Okay, I'll write about fireworks because I can hear them everywhere and they are really getting on my nerves. It's hard to think straight when there are explosions going on everywhere, but where they are bad in annoyingness they make up for in prettyfulness.

Anyway, me and some friends went to see some fireworks last night, which was quite fun. They had a mini fun-fair there which was ... horrible. I can do rollercoasters and droppy things no matter how huge and scary but I can't do spinny stuff because it just makes me feel soooooo ill. As soon as we got there, I was made to go on this upside down spinning thing which was horrible, but I did think that it was okay, despite the fact that they played O Fortuna. Then, it went "Let's do it again, but faster!". That is the point when I felt like throwing up. Then we went to buy tea and I needed a pee for the rest of the night...

Well anyhoo, the fireworks were actually pretty awesome. They were so pretty and they played mostly good  music! Except for that Gary Barlow jubilee song. They took forever to start and then some Olympic Gold winners said some stuff, which was sweet but then when it started we just danced. Loads of people were being boring and dull, although the people in front of us were dancing which was reallllllllyyyy funny, and us and like only three other people whooped along to the 'ceeeeeelebrate good times, c'mon!' song. They were pwetty and I forgot to wear socks off and froze me feet to death and my hands and my nose and the rest was kinda cold too. I sat in a boiler cupboard when I got home and drank soup...fun.

I felt really guilty that I didn't go to the Cuffley ones though, I didn't realize they were on the same night and all the 'splorers were mad at me for not going with them, and so Josh, being egged on by Jess, sent me an text with a picture of a clown (not a happy Emily). Anyway, I hope you all had wonderful Bonfire Nights! Mine was great in case you were wondering :)

Explorers

I have just realised how much I love the Explorers. Most of them are like my best friends and the rest of us are rather close. If you know me at school, I actually am quite loud and even weirder at Explorers, and kind of hyper. It's the people there that do it to me.

Anyway, our Explorer group is made up of a pretty even split of boys and girls- Jess, Sammi, Me, Emma, Liz, Becky and Phoebe, and then Joshie, MaTt, Pip, Ross, Jack, Anderson, and occasionally Andrew (i'm sure I've left someone out and I apologize most profusely, I'm still half asleep). Anyway, they are all weird and mental and special, and we are all the odd people of society in our own individual ways that make up a strange mash up of a group. Or family. I think we are more of a family.

Actually, that's an interesting point. I mean, I have amazing friends at school that I love, but I don't know how many people have a group that they don't have to see everyday and are so close and you just know that no matter what you do, they're there for you with a hug, several inappropriate innuendos, a load of piss-taking and something to do to distract you from everything. Okay, a lot of people, but it's more than that. We're like an strange, incestuous family. With Liz. Ahahah I'm just kidding, I love you Lizzi.

These are the people I want to stay friends with forever. There are maybe 5 or 6 guys from school I can see myself still knowing in 20 years, but these people are like...for life. (this is me having sudden realisations and getting all soppy over them all). I wonder who will be my HIMYM or Friends group when I'm older.

One last point on this- trust the right people. If you aren't then you are so screwed. Because, honestly, once you've found a bunch of people you can trust with anything, then you really don't need anything else in your life. Enjoy! :)

Life

So, life. I don't really know what to say about it, I was just bored so I entitled this post that. I don't really know what I'm doing with mine.

Today I went to the doctors. And then cried because I'm cool like that. Basically I have this really pale white ring around a mole on my back and I've been freaking out about it. Apparently it's just halo something or other, and it's benign so I've stopped panicking (a bit). I really need to stop worrying. Anyway, now I've decided I'm not about to die, I need a plan. I want to go to uni, which means I need good a-levels. I'm doing okay at GCSE, but my sixth form isn't so good, so I need to change sixth form. Preferably to Dame Alice Owens. But I need really good grades for that. Maybe I'll have some good luck (i have the luck of a dead hamster put in a dynamite stick).

I want to be an author. I always have done, it's like the dream. If anyone bothers to read this, don't ever, EVER give up on your dream. I promise it will be a million times better than you ever imagined. But the problem with mine is I don't need to do anything to get it other than write an amazing book. I don't need grades or degrees or experience, so it's hard to...aspire to anything else. Which is not necessarily good, because I need a backup plan, which at the moment is a journalist but it keeps changing.

So, life...I've decided I want to get married someday (only because I was at a wedding the other day that had an awesome band...random reason, but yeah) and that means I need to make human contact. Ew. I don't like that idea. I mean, my friends are great but I wouldn't date any of them and that means I need to find someone else...and I'm crap when I first meet new people. I come off all posh and up myself which I hope I am neither of those things and so people need to know me to like me. I'd be like that on here if I didn't imagine I was just writing it for Emma or Liz or Jess. So I have concluded this department is hopeless.

What else is there in life? MUSIC. How did I forget? My life revolves around music. And Harry Potter. I got a replica time turner the other day from my parents for doing well in exams, and I NEED to see Muse live. Like, it's going to kill me if I don't. I love them so much and I can't even explain what these two things mean to me...they're more than just songs and stories, it's my lifeline, the things that stop me going mental(or more so) and stop me doing anything daft and stop me killing half my school. I just wish they were tangible...they are so unreal, yet so not. Haha I'm making no sense now. I sense that that means I need to stop rambling. I will be back soon! I bid you Adieu!

Episode Four- Fainting/Fun Sea Times

I'm going to carry on with holiday stuff. This will probably be the last entry, but I might remember something else about it.

So, on the second day, I almost fainted! It's not quite as tragic as it sounds. It was very hot and my body wasn't quite used to it, and also I hadn't really drank much. I basically lilve off tea, but it was the grimmest tea in the world so I had had like one glass of water all day and was seriously dehydrated. At about 5, my Dad announced he was going up to the room so I went with him. I didn't really notice that I was being a bit lightheaded (and Emma, that's not because there isn't anything in my head. Before you say anything.)but then we got into this lift that went from the beach to the hotel carpark. It didn't help that this lift was about 45 degrees celsius, plus I hate lifts and had a mini panick attack. By the time the lift stopped, it felt like someone had hit me round the head with a wooden mallet. I stumbled acros the car park, and then I went blind. Like, everything was fuzzy and spotty and spinny. So, as you do, I started trying to get clothes off me so i could jump in the pool. I was still half dresses when I plunged myself into the pool, and there was that scary moment when I couldn't swim and thought I was going to drown before everything cleared up again. Anyhoo, I swam a length or two and had like 5 cups of soda water and it was good. But trust me, it was scary as Hell while it lasted.

This leads me nicely onto the fun drowning! On the last three days or so, the wind picked up and there were WAVES. Like serious waves. Up until then the sea had been as still as a lake. We all went down to this beach a couple of bays along where it was all sandy, and it was AWESOME. It was like being in Norfolk on a stormy day except the sea was warm and the sky didn't have a cloud in it. The waves were easily six feet and they pushed you over, and dragged you under so easily. My brother had been on the rubber ring getting shoved around while I was just swmming, and then I got a go on the ring. A wave hit me in seconds and I got pushed through the hole in the ring (I didn't realise i was that small) But I got stuck under the ring that now had my brother on it and I couldn't breathe and I had swallowed so much water, but it was still fun because bubbles were everywhere and you could feel the waves. It was so odd! But yeah, fun times :)

Episode Three- Crazy shouty man

I'm sorry that these aren't exactly chronological.

On the day that we went to leave, my dad ended up queuing for ages to check out. I mean like ten minutes, when there was only one man in front of him. It was a guy who had arrived earlier that day, and he wasn't English, and neither was the receptionist, but they were talking in it.

Crazy Man: Your lift doesn't work. It will not fo down any further thn this level, the button doesn't work.
Receptionist: I know, that lift only goes up. If you want to go to the lower level you need to use one of the lifts over there.
Crazy Man: Well I called for help and no one came.
Receptionist: Theres a phone (Holding up a phone to demonstrate.)
Crazy Man: I know what a phone is and it isn't there!
Receptionist: I think you'll find it is.
Crazy Man: But I don't have a sea view. I have a view of rocks.
Receptionist: Okay, well your card didn't specify a sea view.
Crazy Man: I told my office to book a sea view and I paid for a sea view!
Receptionist: Then phone your office and I will confirm that that is what you asked for.
Crazy Man: Office? There is no office, I booked it myself online!
Receptionist: Well, you said...
Crazy Man: And my toilet leaks.
Recpetionist: Oh dear...
Crazy Man: Is it normal that the television doesn't work?
Receptionist: What do you think?
Crazy Man: I pay 2000 Euros for this? It's crazy, I want a different room.
Receptionist: There are no other rooms currently available. It's only 10 am and Check-In is 2pm. If you want to wait, we can move you.
Crazy Man: I don't want to wait, move me immediately.
Recepionist: I can't, we're full.
Crazy Man: WHY? (Yes, how dare you fill all the rooms in your hotel, I thought)
Receptionist: Well that is the aim of our business here.
Crazy Man; Give me my money back, I will go somewhere else.
Recpetionist: I can't, I'm just the receptionist.
Crazy Man: Then get me the Manager!
At this point, flamenco man came running up the stairs and we had to leave, but it was hilarious watching this moustached old man screaming and escalating. I mean, if you wanted your money back, wouldn't that be the first thing you would say, no 'your lift only goes up'? Sorry, things like this amuse me...

Episode Two- Tortoise man and his comrades

When my family go away, we give people we see around a lot little nicknames. This time there seemed to be a lot of those. The first one we met was SB girl. She had a, um, toiletting accident that my mother discoved, and my dad unceremoniously called her Sh*tty Bum girl, which we shortened to avoid offense. Her mum was a lovely Geordie lady though, but we never did find out their real name.

The second was Chess Man and Chess Boy. Me, Dad and Greg had a little chess tournament the first night on one of the cute little chess tables in the games room. On the other two tables was a man teaching his son how to play. From then on he always asked us about certain rules like castling ad when pawns reach the end. I felt quite sorry for the boy, to be honest, he was the only kid in the family and no one made any effort to talk to him.

Flamenco man was the restaurant manager. He looked hispanic, slim and muscular, and he stood in that pose flamenco dancers stand in when they are about to start some routine with marracas. It was him and Chronis, a fat guy, who were running it, and they were both very nice, and the fat guy cut up some extra lemon for me because I have to have lemon juice on everything.

The main one was Tortoise Man. We saw him on the second or third day in the restaurant walking rather camply, and my brother said he walked like a tortoise, hence the name. We naturally assumed he was gay, until a couple of days later we saw him with a hot blonde wife and two daughters. My dad kept on updating us on Tortoise Man in a daft French accent, which was hilarious. One night, he wasn't there with his family, and so my Dad made up some ridiculous story 'Ah, Monsieur Tortoise 'as been chucked in ze sea in many pieces, because 'is family 'ave murrrrdered 'im' et cetera. Later on, there was a forest fire out in the mountains twenty miles away or so, really blazing orange with smoke billowing up. (I promise yout his is going somewhere)

Of course, Tortoise Man was very much alive and well, so my Dad had to come up with a new theory. 'I beleive Monsieur Tortoise Homme is an arsonist! Zat was no forest fire. Last night, 'e was not wiz 'is family, because he was igniting the side of ze mountain!'. Tbhe next day he was wearing a hat and glasses, 'Aha! It was deeeffffinitely him, because 'e is nervous I will give 'im away, so 'e 'as une disguise, 'ow cunning.' And so on. For a whole ten days. Seriously.

While I'm on the topic, my dad was also trying to convince greg that there were sharks in the bay, and he didn't give that up either. His 'prrof' was that the bous had the web address 'www.crazyshark.org.gr' or something similar printed on them, and that the dogs kept barking at something. You see, my father is like having another little brother around. Madness.

Episode One- French in dangerous situations GCSE

One of the many things that happened while I was on holiday was I recieved my GCSE results. I phoned my nan from a quaint little caf by the sea, and dispatched her to get my letter from home that my friend Bex handed into school for me, and read them over the phone for £1 per minute (or something else not quite as ridiculous). Anyhoo, I did okay, but i got an A* in my French! This is relevant later on...

The next day at the beach, some French kids were on a very slippy jetty fishing. One of them slipped and cracked his head open and bit his tongue and there was blood everywhere and they were shouting and their mum came running... it was all very hectic.

As Mrs French Lady ran past, I grabbed a packet of tissues to hold on the boys head to stop the bleeding. I should probably say I am well trained in these situations. My idiot of a brother has managed to crack his head open the grand total of seven times. So, I ran up to her with the tissues and said the famous words- 'Madam, excusez-moi, excusez-moi! Les kleenex pour ton filles' in very badly conjugated French.

At dinner, we were telling my brother about this, because he hadn't been there at the time. My dad then said, 'Ah yes, I am now proud to say that my daughter has gained an extra GCSE- French in dangerous situations'. It may seem random, but it was funny at the time.

Welcome Back!

Hey, so I haven't posted in a while because I've been on holiday in Crete! I'm going to do a series of 'Episodes' about stuff that happened that's worthwhile telling people about. So, sorry for not posting to anyone who reads this, and I guess anyone that does has cleared off because I haven't been posting. But I shall power on through!

Oh, if anyone read my last post, I have now almost finished my book, and it's going awesomely well. Next step is typing it up and editting, then re-editting, then peer review, and more editting...oh, it'll be a bucket of laughs. Not. In case you didn't get the sarcasm there.